Recently, i am still feeling alright, not really emotional. A new year, hopefully a better beginning. I am still jobless uptil now, and i have been thinking for very long whether i should do it. Probably i should i guess. Just give it a shot for a few times, then stop.
Do some business, and live my life off.
Alright, when the next time i post over here, i think probably will be another emotional time to do it liao. This blog is open for the sake of letting me blog about all my feelings that no one else is suppose to find out untill the day i am gone. So, ya! Son't expect too much post here.
Bye!
I don't know what am i doing.. i think my herat is still with stephanie. god is like playing with me, 2days after me and stephanie stop contacting, i met another stephanie from supperclub. and i was like, OMG!!!
I lost my job again, and i don't know what to say. i think its because i still hasn't has the mood of working at the moment. the 1st day i went to work, i was feeling emo, thats why everything they told me is like not going in, but relatively, i still didn't wanna do much. i did tried, but i din wanna try hard enough. who cares anyway right?
ppl may think i am quite happy daily now, but actually, i still do know that i miss her, and everyday, i have been hoping to sms her, but thinking that she won't reply, just stops me from doing so. so i thgt not to sms her so that i will feel its me as a girl won't initiate to msg a guy in such situation.
mood: moody everyday when i am alone, happy infront of everyone else.
Feeling really really tired, i hope and pray that i really can just collapse seriously and maybe it might help revitalise my body abit.
I went in Sg with a cheerful heart ytd thinking that i just need to send her home as she is feeling very sick. but i guess things weren't really planned.
went in right after i left the competition venue, then i went to collect the christmas gift that i have prepared which i will give it to her i also don't know when.
then i went down to the salon, to collect my pay, but my pay wasn't collected, instead, chantel spoke to me, and told me about things that has been passing around the salon, don't know if its just rumours or what. but she told me that lots of ppl alr know that she is with another person, the worst part will only be kept to myself. i couldn't believe what she told me, and of course i don't want it to be true too. but the things that she brought up to set me thinking was spot on, and also the way she told me was damn bloody confident of herself, that's why it sets my mind into uncertainty state.
if she can speak up and explain herself, i will definitely choose to believe her more than anyone else. but of course she muz give me a convincing explanation too. sometimes, i am tired of deceiving myself, there are things that i knew all along, but i chose to run away from it and deceive myself. should i continue doing that?
it really pains my heart when i saw her in such a bad shape ytd, she looks so weak and uncomfortable. my heart just sank all the way to the bottom, how i wish i could be there for her. and don't know which idiot called that irritates her till i saw her tears rolled for the 1st time ytd. i did asked her who is it, but i guess she won't be like what she used to be alr, she won't tell me much i guess. everything seems to be different now alr, i really don't think i can bring the feelings back to her, i really see the image of our future fading day by day....
goodbye diary.
i have been thinking about her almost every second of my life, because i am unsure whether there is still any future between us. how i wish i would have the guts to go up to her, ask her straight into her face about our future, and of course i hope whatever answer that she gave is from the bottom of her heart, be it positive or negative.
has she ever treated me like a boyf before? does she take me as a boyf now? when did her feelings for me started to fade off? does she really hope to get that feelings back and hope that we will end up being tgth and have a future? does she think i will still be good enough for her? what are the things that she really hate about me? all these are the question i feel like asking her. but i guess i just don't have the guts to do it everytime i see her. i felt as though everytime i am with her, things that i ain't happy about her, i would still need to put on a smile to not offend her and make her angry.
should i just keep quiet and continue deceiving myself and know that i ain't happy? or should i just ask her all these straight away?
i don't know how much time i have left, i just feel that time is running out for me. is loving someone and wanting to be with that someone happily really so tough?
been through this whirlpool emotions for quite sometime alr...
open up the way to lead me god!
sometimes, she really makes me feels as though she really still got that feelings for me, and she is really true and sincere that she is still hoping to get that strong feelings back and hope that we can be together. but sometimes, she makes me feel the opposite... so what should i do?
there are others there for me to choose, but my feelings just tell me that she is the one, she is the one that i only want. she brought back the lovely feelings of love to me. but now, she's taking it away from me again...
how then only can i have her all to myself for the rest of my life? how then can i have her to be able to protect and care for her the rest of her life? how then can i have her to be able to cherish her and shout to everyone that she is untouchable? HOW?
I really don't know what to say, i hope i know what is she thinking, she said she'll call me up today, so i waited, and i don't wanna make the 1st call to her so that she won't feel that i am the nuisance one. But ended up, not even a single sms from her. I am really sad and disappointed by everything that is happening and the way she is treating me. If she really care, if i really stands a place in her heart, i am sure she will at least drop me a sms right?
Thats why i say if i can read her mind, that will be good. She told me she too hope that she can get back the feelings that is needed for us to be together, but if she really do hope so, means she still has that little feelings for me, but why can't i feel it? She seems like she just couldn't be bothered with me... Or is it that her heart alr has someone else in place? I'm really confused and emotional. If her true feelings is not for us to be together, i would rather she tell me so, and i won't waste her time bugging her. I would make me feels so thick skinned.
What exactly is happening here. I hope i could get some enlightenment.
This is the 1st post of my 2nd blog. It is meant for posting all my true emotions, feelings, thoughts and everything that i felt like letting out somewhere but not letting ppl whom i don't wish them to know, know about it.... Basically, its the top secret to my heart. Maybe only until the day that i've died that i would wish someone will be able to find out this place...
I've decided to blog here because i felt really emotional today, i really hope that we can be together just like any normal couple, but things just doesn't seem to turn out right from the very beginning, to me, all i wanted was just to have stephanie by my side, be my girlf that i can proudly shout out to everyone that i got a pretty and fabulous girlf, so other competitors can just move one side.
But things just doesn't go that way, from the beginning, obstacles just keep coming up, and finally, just hours ago, i've decided to ask her if her feelings has faded for me. And right, my feelings was right, my guess was spot on and she said yes. Though her exactly answer was alittle, but for someone to say alittle, in such a case simply just means yes in a nicer way. I really don't know how long more can i pull through. But i told her that i will try my best to bring that feelings back to her, i really will, but i am not confident that i will ever do it.
I myself can't see any future between us with such situation that i know i am in, but deep in my heart, i really pray and wish that we will be tgth, i can take care of her for the rest of our lives. Really in doubt for everything now...
Emotion today: Really sad, disappointed and confused...
Signing off blogger.
"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak! It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"
I just felt like shouting this out loud....
